Speaking from personal experience I have always felt dysfunctional in what I will call a 'conventional two person relationship' For a long time I floated from relationship to relationship with a lot of resentment and anger toward my partners, both sexual and emotional, because I was consistently placing myself in a position that I did not want to be, that is with one person exclusively. Far too often I would displace my wants, needs and desires because I assumed that they would not be well received or understood by my partners, but more importantly because I did not have the language or knowledge to express why I felt the way I felt. I have always believed in experiencing people organically, and allowing my relationships with people to develop to their natural points. This is not a new concept. It is evident when we look at all the people we surround ourselves with, we have non-sexual friends, best friends, funk buddies, people we have strong chemistry with, people we connect with on a spiritual level and the list goes on. Different people provide us with different experiences, life lessons and fulfill us in a magnitude of ways that I believe one sole person alone can not do. All those relationships function on an organic level between one or more persons, and I do not believe that just because I enter a 'conventional two person relationship' that I should have to limit, stop or sacrifice my organic experiences with others.
Having multiple relationships is often imagined and experienced as a bad and selfish thing and I can understand why. People can lie, cheat & hurt resulting in a damaging, abusive and dysfunctional relationship; but that is not how to have a fulfilling and nurturing relationship in any given circumstance! In the book The Ethical Slut, the authors talk about how to create an environment where you can work through feelings of anger, jealousy & insecurities to build happy and healthy relationships with as many or as few people as you want! Despite what some people may think it extends far beyond just having sex, my wants are to be able to connect with people on multiple levels whatever they may be, and to be able to share my mind, body, spirit and vulva in a way that I feel safe, comfortable, secure and self assured doing so. It takes a lot of energy to work towards building these kinds of relationships, but I am ultimately investing in my own happiness. I have learned that what you put into bettering yourself translates into your experiences with others! And who wouldn't want to be happy with those they care about?
I am not saying there is one kind relationship that works because we all want and value different things. But I know what is wrong is being in any kind of relationship where your own happiness, wants, comfort, safety and feelings are not respected. So invest in yourself and be selfish...in a positive way! Think about what kind of relationships, sex & experiences make you happy and work towards establishing them. Think broadly about what these words mean in respect to your life and how their meanings can shift. Better yet write them down so you never forget! Do all the research you can! I have to acknowledge that we all face different barriers in having the ability to do this whether they be internal or external so always keep safety in mind! I am taking the steps to redefine monogaME means, looks like and how it is exercized by me. I am exploring how to respectfully establish relationships grounded in consent, communication and honesty where all people involved are given the space to voice themselves. I want my genitalia to be a happy and ethical slut!